Sunday, June 24, 2007

Trail Adventure Recap: Airport Bird Strike Mania

One of the larger problems in "Mark Trail" is that an adventure which encompasses roughly 1 week in real time will take roughly 8 weeks to resolve itself in Trail time. Fortunately, nothing really happens during these 8-week installments, so it's easy to catch up, if you have the right guide.

Here's what's happened in this adventure so far:

Fresh off of busting a friend's half-hearted/all-retarded insurance fraud scheme, woodsy journalist Mark Trail sets his khak-tastic sights on a hot new story: bird strikes at airports. Judging by her seductive perch in panel three, Cherry seems to be the perfect mate for the Trailster; all it takes to get her going is a little talk about "a friend with the wildlife service" and plans "to visit some airports." What a slut.

A talk with Wildlife Service Friend leads Mark to the office of Local Airport Manager, who credits his airport's reduction in bird strikes to sexy biologist daughter Sam Hill. If the strip above is any indication, this will be the last time Samantha Sammy Samantha Sam Sam's name will ever be mentioned. Alas, panel three will not be the last time anybody's face becomes horribly distorted as the storyline progresses.

Look out, here comes trouble. Municipal trouble.

Co-commissioners Lawson Mills (big blazer-tugging ginger) and Leo Smith (big whiny bitch) are looking to make a little scratch off of some useless land they own by selling it to their municipality as a site for a new airport. This plan is ripe with miscalculations, the first being that no voting district has ever approved construction of a new airport for fear of bird strikes.

Critical miscalculation No. 2: everything else about the plan. In the end, Lawson and Leo forego sprinkling birdseed on the airport in favor of a much more devious arrangement--sprinkling birds on the airport. There are several anthropomorphic players in this wicked game:

Branch-Kicking Skunk and Larger Building in Distant Urban Landscape

Awe-tistic Hawk

Tumblz the Optimistic Dysplasial Bunny

And lastly, Buzzard, the hunting guide with a penchant for fondling what dwells beneath his overalls:

Mark and Sammy Sam Sam Samantha Sam Samerson Sam Sam have a brief encounter with the Commissioners, but they fail to see through Lawson's "I know a problem when I see one, my right arm hasn't grown since the 4th Grade" subterfuge.

Trouble appears to be brewing in mustache paradise, however, as Leo appears visibly distraught at the sight of Lawson caressing Mark's burly shoulder in panel two. If the commissioners' ability to maintain personal relationships is as bad as Jack Elrod's ability to maintain spatial relationships, then life for these two could be getting worse, or just more confusing than it already is.

Speaking of confusion....

Unfortunately for Mark and Sammy Sam Sam, their joyride around in the airport in her plane, "Duck Fucker 4," coincided with Buzzard's bird-sprinkling schedule, and chaos ensued. Fortunately for us, Sam got seriously hurt.
After announcing to the world that he took the controls, Duck Fucker 4 landed itself safely at the airport, and Mark's crotch jump-started the investigation.

That was 11 days ago. Since then, little has happened in the way of investigating. Mark went back to the scene of the duck crushing to gather some evidence and misidentify the gender of the bird Sam killed...

took some "Mark time" in the hotel to talk to Cherry through her gigantic phone...

and twice visited a hilariously bandaged Sam to dry-hump a large plank of wood and provide evasive answers to her questions, all the while staring at her abundant cans.

And that's where we stand. Future synopses will not be as long as this one.

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