Trio in Pursuit of Mark Trail Sort of Unlikely, Definitely Unlikeable

December 4, 2008

Mark's captors appear to be making a clean getaway in their shrimp boat, but help is on the swampish horizon, and it's carrying on a make-believe conversaton with an emotionally unavailable dog and screaming from the elbow. Does this search party have what it takes to get the job done? Who are these goofballs, anyway?

1) That guy

Defining Characteristics: Uninspired all-blue outfits, impossible hairline.

Impetus for Saving Mark: He is either Mark's father, or just a friend that Mark refers to condescendingly as "Pop." Regarldess, his motives should be called into question -- in a baseball cap, the man is a deadringer for Mark's assailant:

Assailant, alias "Rabbit," offering a mature explanation for why he kidnapped Mark with a shotgun.

That guy, alias "Pop," taking that raccoon from behind.

2) Andy

Defining characteristics: Gets left behind by Mark a lot. Only animal in the Mark Trail universe that can't talk.

Impetus for saving Mark: Nobody sweats Mark's khaki nuts more than Andy. Plus it was only a matter of time before Andy had to save Mark.

3) That raccoon on Andy's back.

Defining characteristics: That rabid animal on Andy's back. Goes by the name "Sneaky." A strange little girl's pet. Probably a huge pussy.

Impetus for saving Mark: Sneaky's been a big fan of the Trailster ever since the old lug took the time to rescue him from involuntarily participating in a twisted game of "Chained Raccoon vs. Pack of Dogs." Now that Mark's been captured by the very same person that captured him, Sneaky's trying to put an end to all of this kidnapping nonsense. What a terrible character.

There you have it. It's three wussy best friends versus three criminal dunderheads. Who will come out victorious? Too early to tell. The only thing we know so far is that we won't. We are so not winning this one.

Crackers tha Perchin' Pelican Will Finally Kill Mark Trail in, I dunno, a Couple of Hours, Probably.

Nobody Loves Rusty is back. Anyone wondering why I stopped posting can turn to Skymall Product Review for answers. Then you can come back and be like, "wow, those aren't justifiable answers," but by the time you return I'll be gone. On with the saga.

So what exactly is going on here? Salty has an oddly shapped cap and Mark at his disposal, but in what we have to assume is a very predictable turn of events, the anticipation of cold, hard cash begins to eat away at the commarderie of this nefarious foursome. All the better that Crackers tha Perchin' Pelican is more familiar with the stall tactics of the hopelessly indebted than he is with traditional nesting grounds of his species, buying himself a "couple of hours" while he goes to get "half the money" from wherever the fuck it is Pelicans get money. Desperate as the measure seems, Crackers appears to have thought this through. After all, who's going to look for "well known guy" Mark Trail on a Shrimp Boat afloat on a lake in Minnesota?

Moreover, what's the backstory here? A quick glance at last week's action offers up some themes familiar to any follower of Mark's adventures:

Theme 1: Mark carries on a gender-muddled conversation with himself in the presence of others.

Theme 2: Local deviants with negative sideburns and no appreciation for a good woman's lovin' hire on as muscle for corporate ne'er-do-wells at less than scale.

Theme 3: Corporate, reverse-bottomed sexual interest tempts faithful Mark to stray after he teaches her about the importance of the wetlands, despite the fact that he totally had to save her from an Alligator in said wetlands.

Theme 4: Anthropomorphic critter lurks in the background waiting for it's chance to strike, confirming yet again that most-ironic constant in any Mark Trail saga: Mark saves animals for free while animals kill Mark for money.

Stay tuned. Thanks for righting the ship, Matt.

Somebody Is Going to Get Shot in Mark Trail

Johnny, busy with "heading" his boat back home as if it were some kind of work animal, fails to notice the watchful eye of a myterious cossack rifleman lingering amid the prolific waterfront fauna. Some sort of marsh penguin waits pensively for any signs of action.

Johnny Appreciates Ranger Red's Friendship, Creepy Midnight Escort to the Dock

The aggressive French Canadian subdued and eager to boat home, Ranger Red returns to his dock beat, grimacing with pride at another job well done. Johnny's ever-shrinking watercraft suggests that the Mark Trail equivalent of Willy Loman is only a few hits in the credit report away from downgrading to a stryofoam cooler and a personal motorized fan. His ever-bloating face in Panel 3 suggests "come and eat with us soon, before I consume every edible morsel in my destitute family's house."

French Canadians Are Essentially Dogs

Awkward banter aside, Bull's camp successfully swiped Johnny's customers, and it's going to take more than pathetic name-calling to resurrect his naturish enterprise. Ranger Red manages to tame the beast with a calm-but-firm pat on the head, reducing a belligerent camp wrangler to a fist-pounding, soft-eyed creep in Panel 2. A little coffee will be had, yet one can't help but wonder how many panels it will take before this helpful ranger suggests the services of one woodsy journalist to salvage his floundering business.

Johnny Ambiguously Threatens in Front of Authorities

The hoe-wielding skirmish between Johnny and Bull has finally been broken up by the ranger and his band of cossack sailors. Malotte continues to make threats in spite of a fevered plea from that yellow-shirted guy's knee cap, which doesn't seem to faze the ranger at all. What he has lost in mustache girth, he more than compensates for in eyebrow growth, so perhaps Johnny's threats aren't as empty as they have been over the past two weeks. Mark is still unavailable for poorly worded comment.

Recap Part 3: Scuffling, Followed by Rangers

Like all swarthy men before him, Johnny's heart is pure, his loins are potent, and his mustache is ferociously uncomfortable. But below that mass of tight, glistening curls lies a firey mind incapable of mercy or composure, one that will stop at nothing until the Malotte name is unsullied, avenged, or the surname of every caucasian on earth.

But Paul's empty-handed return to the camp is doubtlessly the most unswarthy blow to Johnny's sporting camp yet, and the man you see in the panel above is not the man you will see just 10 days later. Witness the disintigration of a gentle mind:

Johnny's concerned, but not enough to touch his face. This is clearly an unsettling gesture.

It's difficult to grasp Johnny's state of mind when his body language suggests so many intense, seemingly unrelated emotions. He's eager to hear Paul's explanation, but it looks as if he's going to run away before the color-coordinated lad can conclude his frayed excuse. Is he losing weight or gaining it? Again, impossible to tell. Paul is still holding the oar for a reason.

Fear begets rage in the Malotte household, and after hearing that pant-sy camp competitor Bull Malone is behind the boat-soaking, Johnny's has no recourse but to head down the only road he's ever known in the unscrupulous world of commercial outdoorsy stuff.

It's going to take more than a frightened, possibly pregnant wife to convince Johnny that Bull's boastful ways don't warrant gunplay. Thankfully, a desire to taste the flesh coaxes Malotte away from his firearm.

Violent ambitions aside, Bull proves to be quite the adversary after Johnny stops talking to himself on the dock. Strangely enough, both pugilists in the Mark Trail universe can sustain more than one hit before conceding defeat, leading to several panels of implausible action.

Only when Bull takes the fight about 30 times too far do the ranger and his rangery cap decide that they've seen just about enough. There won't be any hoes impaling skulls on their watch.

And that's were we stand--two weeks have passed, emotions have been put on physical display, and our eponymous hero is nowhere to be seen. Stay tuned for more gripping episodes of the most enjoyable Mark Trail saga ever.